My Obsession with weight

So I've been working out for 4 days straight now. I know that that isn't any Guinness World Book record or anything, but it's something significant for me. Besides all of those workouts have come before 7 am! And yet... I haven't lost a pound or even an ounce for that matter! Before you start replying with all the stats about how muscle weighs more then fat and how now that I'm hydrating I may weigh more for a little while... I know all that, but it still doesn't help my psyche to see the scale unmoved.

I can't even remember now when we got that scale (my first and only in my life), but it has since become my almost daily companion. I can't tell you what I weighed in high school and, except for a few health class weigh-ins, college either. I kind of always guessed my weight based on how my clothes were fitting. Even after college, though more aware of my need to drop a few pounds and tone up, I rarely was on a scale. Then 27 hit.....

27 was the year I noticed my body take it's most dramatic turn since puberty. All of a sudden I couldn't just cut out pop for a few weeks and drop 10 lbs. That year I had a weird asthma type reaction that landed me in the hospital for a few days and on steroids for a few weeks. Perhaps it was the steroids that screwed everything up, but my weight hasn't been the same since. I happened to know what I weighed at the time as they always weigh you in the hospital and I was a slightly overweight, but not bad.

Within the next two months or so I gained 20 lbs. A lot of things (besides the steroids) probably contributed to that weight gain. I was super stressed in my personal life, had just started a new job where I sat a lot more, and I hadn't made any significant changes to my diet despite the fact that I was older and had noticed that my body wasn't responding as before. I freaked out of course and through some desperate dieting and occasional exercise managed to lose 10 of it. I got a personal trainer and a gym membership in hopes that I could lose another 30. My best intentions were in vain and I maybe lost a total of 5 lbs.

Soon love took over my life and, as most love-struck people, I didn't really pay much attention to the finer details of life. I was now "too busy" to go to the gym and since I still didn't have a scale of my own I didn't pay as much attention. As long as my clothes fit I was good! That carried through until about 3 months into my marriage when I realized my clothes weren't fitting well and the clothes I was buying were a size bigger then I'd bought before. I think somewhere in here is when we got the scale. I tried all kinds of various diet pills and programs and even worked out sporadically. I managed to lose close to 20 lbs this way which only succeeded in bringing me back to my wedding weight.

Then I got pregnant and, as all those who have had kids know, the book on your body goes out the window.... and here is where my weight truly became an obsession. I tried so hard to control my weight gain only to find myself gaining faster and faster. I began to let my view of myself dictate my interaction with others thinking that they viewed me the same way I viewed myself.

Through the last 3 pregnancies I've gained and lost 60+ pounds. The roller coaster of my weight has given God opportunity to show me the vanity of my heart and my willingness to believe the lies of our culture. The biggest lies I see me swallowing are 1) you aren't truly attractive or worth loving (from a husband) unless you can at least look close to- "fill in the blank", 2) people who are noticeably overweight have a problem with self-discipline and are lazy, 3) true happiness comes when you have a body that everyone else envies. Now I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that my husband can truly love me even without me looking like Angelina Jolie and yet I still find myself drawing away because I don't feel worthy of his love. I also know that while lie #2 may contain some truth to it, the reverse logic isn't necessarily true, i.e. if someone is thin then they ARE self-disciplined. Still, it is a humbling thought to have some of your character flaws so obviously advertised to the world. Lie #3 should be the easiest to dispute as we have seen (especially in recent years) a huge number of the supposed happy (thin, rich, successful, powerful) take their own lives out of depression and unhappiness, and yet I think I fight my sin nature here in that I want to be able to control my happiness and my life versus letting my fulfillment and happiness come from Him.

Which brings us back to me now once again working at losing some weight. I am about 45 lbs away from my goal and roughly 35 lbs away from the healthy range.  After much research, prayer and conversation I arrived at the conclusion that I am not, nor ever going to be Faith Hill, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, or Katie Holmes all who are about my height and weigh in the 120's. I haven't been in the 120's since I was 12 and 5'6" ( I looked at my old medical records for this info.) Yet I do want to be healthy and fit so as to live a long life, enjoy my children and grandchildren, and not look back with regrets about things I missed out on because of poor health. Therefore I set my goal to get in the healthy range plus an extra 10 lbs for cushion (no pun intended!)

So why am I telling you all this? Why is it any of your business what I weigh or have weighed over the years? Well it's just plain cathartic for me to get it out and to be brutally honest about my motivations. That way I can't hide behind a facade of nobler intentions. I need to be healthy, but not at the expense of my heart, life, relationships. My desire and prayer is that while I work at getting my body healthy I will find peace and wholeness for my mind as well. So to all those who read my blog and know me (which is probably everyone), consider this my invitation for your input and accountability into how I few myself, reflect Christ, etc.

IF you are still reading this rather long post ... thanks for letting me vent. I feel better. :)