So here I am AGAIN facing the prospect of another labor and delivery. In the grand scheme of childraising it is such a small time frame and yet such a big deal (to me at least). Probably most of you who read this blog already know my birth stories, but I'm going to offer a bit of an analogy about them and me.
As I have been thinking about my upcoming delivery, I've once again been struggling with how my last three deliveries went. Not cause anything really bad happened, but because I either have disappointed myself or I feel others' expectations of me. When I was an L&D nurse I thought through this (somewhat tongue in cheek) analogy of childbirth. Pretty much only those who live in the Pikes Peak region will get this, but others will get the general idea. Here goes:
There a three generally accepted ways of getting to the top of Pikes Peak and I would argue their similarly three ways of delivering a baby (or maybe more specifically three experiences of). Let's start with the first,
1.) Good ole' fashioned hiking. It is 13 miles to the top of Pikes Peak and is certaintly not for the faint of heart. One has to be in a decent amount of shape to make it, though as EMS personnel will tell you many who aren't still try. It's long, it's tiring, but at the end you can say that you climbed Pikes Peak. If you're really in good shape you may run the trail both up and back.
I'm going to correlate this experience with Pikes Peak to natural childbirth. It can be long, it can be tiring, but at the end you can say you did it without any pain meds and probably minimal medical intervention. Fans of this way say you get to really "experience the journey" as you take each step and it's all the more fulfilling when you get to the "top". There is some training that is involved in order to do this successfully and one does need to be in fairly good health. Many proponents argue that this is really the only safe way to go even with the risks that may pose themselves along the way.
2.)The Cog Railway. There is a cute little train that will take you chug-chugging up the side of Pikes Peak in relative ease and comfort. It's definitely faster then hiking and you have the luxury of really taking in the sights instead of just occasionally stopping to look up as you catch your breath hiking. There is even a little tour guide to point things out along the way. Of course there are dangers in taking the train and one no longer has control over how fast or slow you go, but if you trust the engineer you will get to the top safe and sound.
This, in my mind, is like going to the hospital, getting the epidural and generally letting the medical staff run your delivery. They still involve you in the process (like a tour guide), but for the most part you sit back, relax, and enjoy the journey. Do things go wrong sometimes? Yep, no journey is perfect, but for those who don't need/want the fulfillment of "hiking", this seems a happy middle ground. I am comfortable enough to enjoy the process and though I don't get the "Natural Childbirth" badge at the end, I do get a happy healthy baby and most likely an experience that was enjoyable. Again with any "path" you choose there are risks you take. Interventions often lead to more interventions. If you don't trust the medical staff (your engineers) then you are really going to feel out of control and almost "kidnapped". This route isn't for everyone, but is still a viable option.
3.) The Pikes Peak Highway. Want to really get the "climb" over with? Just drive to the top. In about an hour, in the comfort of your own car, you can reach the summit of Pikes Peak and be taking pictures and sipping hot cocoa while the poor "schmucks" who are hiking are barely to Barr camp. Granted the scenery goes by a lot faster and you don't get to really savor the experience, but then you are at the top and done with plenty of energy to look around.
This is probably where, like all analogies, mine breaks down. :) The closest comparison I can come to is electing to have a c-section. You're in, you're out and you're done. Of course there are many more risks then with the other two (but so are there with racing up the side of a 13K ft mtn). In a c-section of course you are really not in control and the invasiveness of the whole procedure can be pretty scary. I would imagine it being like someone else driving you up the side of Pikes' Peak. There are a lot of steep drop offs and one must really trust their driver. In my mind, the risks outweigh the benefits, though many still choose this "path" of childbirth.
So how does this relate to my experiences?
Well, with my first I was bound and determined to "hike the mountain". I took a Bradley childbearing course, ate the right diet, still gained too much weight, but really tried to prepare myself for the journey. As it turned out I didn't even get to the half-way point (dilation-wise) when I gave up and decided to climb on the "railway" of medical intervention. Now granted it took me 24 hours to get to that near half-way point and I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I knew I still had a ways to go and figured if I didn't throw in the towel then I was going to end up on the "highway" with a c-section. It took another 18 hours on the "railway" before I delivered a healthy albeit bruised baby boy just minutes before they were going to take me for a c-section. Needless to say that while I was happy with the result, I was not pleased with my experience. My "hiking" was miserable and I didn't enjoy one step of that journey. Once I got on the "railway" I slept for the first 12 of those 18 hours, so I missed most of the journey then too. I also felt extreme guilt at my failure to be a "real woman" and get the "Natural Childbirth badge". So much guilt in fact that I didn't show at my Bradley class reunion.
When it came time for my second, (only 16 months later) I was terrified of repeating my previous experience. So much so, that I went ahead and scheduled my ride on the "railway" (an induction). I did wait until 3 days after my due date to assuage some guilt left over by my natural childbirth class. It was a quick 6 hour labor total and was an honestly wonderful experience. I was able to enjoy the time with my husband and felt great after delivery. I remember thinking to myself "So this is why women have more then one baby". My baby was healthy and I have good memories of the entire "journey"
My third delivery was a bit of a surprise trip on the "railway". I went in for my 39 wk checkup and they found that J was in some distress and hadn't grown in the past couple of weeks. As doctors are good at, mine felt the risks of waiting were out weighed by the benefits of inducing that night. So once again I was on the "train". I think I actually got more sleep that night then the nights before any of my other deliveries, which is saying something for a hospital. In the morning, when they started the pitocin, I had another relatively quick 6 hour labor and with 3 easy pushes J was out. This was by far my best experience. I laughed a lot through this labor and even my water broke while laughing. My husband and I had a nice time together and once again my recovery was quick and easy.
As I prepare for delivery #4, I still have that ideal of a quick enjoyable natural delivery in my head so I'm not pre-ordering a ticket on the "train". Yet, I have to take a hard look at myself and wonder if maybe I'm just a "train" kind of person. I like having time and comfort to enjoy the journey and weirdly feel more "in control" with a monitor on me and a heartbeat I can hear constantly. Yes, I wish they would let me eat and the beds were more comfortable, but those are luxuries I give up to have a relatively pain free delivery. No, I may never get to proudly wear the badge; but I will have had some good experiences in childbirth surrounded by friends (yes, I've had an RN that was a good friend at each of my deliveries and my OB) and my loving husband. Am I a bad mom, lazy ill-informed woman, who is being duped by a corrupt health care system? No, I don't think so. I just think I'm not the "hiking" type. I guess this fourth and final delivery will tell.
If you are still reading at this point, God bless you and thanks for letting me process what's been in my head.
*By the way... I have hiked to the top of Pikes Peak; but I took the back way which is about half the length of the front way. It was a good experience and one that I'm glad I can say I did.
3 comments:
I have only gone the cog route (both with childbirth and with going to the top of Pikes Peak). I had an enjoyable experience and if given the chance will most likely choose that again. I hope everything goes well with this 4th delivery.
Enjoy the journey! Six months later the view from the top remains the same for all of us - sweet baby snuggled close. Same with other decisions in life (education, vaccines, play dates, etc.) I say just go with what you think is right and don't apologize or feel guilty for it (or criticize those who decided a different route). I'm excited for you! Your sweet girly will be here soon!
Emily, thanks for your encouragement. I have become more gracious in conversing with those who make different decisions then I about a wide variety of things. I have come to realize how I hate to be put down and criticized for the hard decisions I make and how others might feel the same way from me at times. Allowing grace for myself gives me opportunity to extend it to others. :)
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